Professional :: Selling Out :: "Happiness Quotient"

Recent studies show that money actually can buy happiness. Congratulations on selling out.

Just so you know :: Enough Already :: "Sofa Eviction Notice"

It's been great having you around, but your couch surfing privileges are coming to an end.

Holidays :: Bastille Day :: "France Cheap Shot 1"

Happy Bastille Day. Here's to remembering the times when the French did more than surrender.

Professional :: My Company :: "MomsBasement.com"

Congratulations on starting your own company. And just for my records, the business address is the same as your mother's house?

Just so you know :: Enough Already :: "Cleaning is Fun"

You've been a great housemate. The only way it could be better is if you cleaned up after yourself.

Events :: Anniversary :: "Happy Anniversary"

Even though our relationship has no clear start date, Happy Anniversary.

Professional :: Laid off :: "You Got Outsourced"

I know it's hard to see it right now, but outsourcing will soon make all of our lives better.

Events :: Moving :: Regional :: Brooklyn :: "Struggling Upper-middle Class"

Welcome to Brooklyn, where prices are only double the national average.

Just so you know :: Enough Already :: "One Track Blind"

Stories about your time abroad are very interesting and I also look forward to talking about other things again.

Relationships :: Half Apologies :: "Music Critic"

I am sorry for making fun of your music. I am a closed-minded snob who happens to have good taste in music.

Professional :: Yet Another Degree :: "Change of Venue"

Good luck with the transition from pretending to work to pretending to learn.

Events :: "Ambiguity Grace Period"

I had a nice time last night. By the way, are we dating?

Just so you know :: Enough Already :: "Encyclopedia Simpsonica"

Your ability to find a Simpsons quote for every situation is very endearing. Someday, you might find the same enthusiasm for something I want to talk about.

Relationships :: Instant Intimacy :: "I am my shopping cart"

When you know my consumer tastes, it makes me feel special!

Relationships :: Rebound :: "Rebound Fling"

Will you be my rebound fling?

Relationships :: Afraid of Commitment :: "Free Roaming Plan"

It's not a commitment thing, I just like to be able to pick up and emigrate whenever I please.

Relationships :: Wandering Eyes :: "Unsubscribe hotness newsletter"

Could you please stop telling me how hot everyone but me is?

Events :: College Admission :: "University of Someplace"

I've never heard of the college you're going to, but everyone tells me it's an excellent school. Congratulations.

Events :: Graduation :: "Background Protection Program"

Happy graduation. So, have you decided where to pretend you're from?

Professional :: Selling Out :: "21 Grams Exchange Rate"

Congratulations on selling out. They say you can actually see the moment when the soul leaves the body.

Professional :: Retirement :: "In & Out"

Congratulations on your obnoxiously early retirement.

Events :: "Veil of Tolerance"

Good luck with the interview. For your weakness, be sure not to mention your utter contempt for people less intelligent than you.

Just so you know :: Basic Social Skills :: "Party Lingerer"

That person who doesn't know when to leave the party after it's over. It's you.

Just so you know :: Enough Already :: "Forward Filter"

E-mail has really brought us together, but stop sending me forwards.

Events :: Anniversary :: "Math Phobia"

Happy Anniversary. I don't like calendars but I like you.