Events :: Birthday :: "Watch Your Back"

Happy Birthday. I have adopted a mile of highway in your name. It is now being cleaned by inmates who won't forget it.

Events :: Birthday :: "Do Gooder's Bind"

Happy Birthday. I have adopted a whale in your name. To raise her, you'll need to purchase the tank yourself.

Events :: Birthday :: "Limited Impunity"

Happy Birthday. Today your crap will be tolerated.

Events :: Birthday :: "Mnemonic Possession"

Happy Birthday. You may still know the names of cool bands, but at your age it smacks of unnatural research.

Events :: Birthday :: "One of These Birthdays"

Happy Birthday. This card is good for one week in either direction.

Events :: Birthday :: "Grownup Table"

Happy Birthday. Instead of a mature youth, you are now a childish adult.

Events :: Birthday :: "Zarathustra's Birthday Aphorism"

Sometimes when you stare into the void, it sends you a card. Happy birthday.

Events :: Birthday :: "Meta-Card"

Happy Birthday. Instead of a present I got you this free witticism.

Events :: Birthday :: "Young and Beautiful no longer options"

Happy Birthday. Your vows to live fast, die young, and leave a beautiful corpse will need revision.

Events :: Birthday :: "Low Impact Celebration"

While company policy unfortunately precludes the elaborate spanking ritual we had planned, happy birthday anyway.

Events :: Birthday :: "Marketing Crack"

Happy Birthday. When you're not looking, teenagers are making fun of your clothing.

Events :: Birthday :: "Party Elder"

Happy 25th Birthday. You are approaching oldster-at-the-party status and will not be allowed to pick out music.

Events :: Birthday :: "Monkey's Paw Birthday"

Happy Birthday. I hope you get everything you wish for, in the form of ironic backfire.

Events :: Birthday :: "Minimalist Cool"

Happy birthday. You are cool.

Events :: Birthday :: "My Focus Group Leader Says I'm Cool"

Happy Birthday. Enjoy the fleeting privileges of your demographic status.

Events :: Birthday :: "Shifting Wavelength"

Happy 30th Birthday. Your favorite music is coming to an oldies station near you.

Events :: Birthday :: "Telltale Eyelids"

Happy Birthday. You now officially need your sleep.

Events :: Birthday :: "Pre-embitterment Birthday"

Happy Birthday. May you have every success before life beats you down.

Events :: Birthday :: "See you at the Bank"

Happy Birthday. It's getting about time for you to sell out.

Events :: Birthday :: "Piercing > Cake"

Happy Birthday. We've hired an anthropologist to conduct a sampler of harrowing rite of passage rituals from around the world on you.

Events :: Birthday :: "Cool Concession"

Happy birthday. For today, you're cool.

Events :: Birthday :: "Aging Grunge"

Happy Birthday. Now when you wear jeans and sneakers, you look more homeless than laid back.

Events :: Birthday :: "Trust Withdrawal"

Happy 30th Birthday. You can officially no longer be trusted.

Events :: Birthday :: "Aging Happens"

Happy Birthday. Your metabolism now needs crutches.

Events :: Birthday :: "My Own Private Albatross"

Happy birthday. I wish you lavish success, and soon, before you drag me down with you.

Events :: Birthday :: "Way of the World"

Happy Birthday. I hope you manage not to get beaten down by the world.

Events :: Birthday :: "Number Your Years"

Happy Birthday. Get cracking, you're running out of excuses.

Events :: Birthday :: "Iceberg Farewell"

Happy 35th Birthday. We'll miss you over here in the key marketing demographic.

Events :: Birthday :: "Paradigm Shift"

Happy Birthday. From now on, instead of "good for your age" you're mediocre like the rest of us.

Events :: Birthday :: "Codger Consumer"

Happy 40th Birthday. Even though marketers no longer care what you want to buy, life can still be rich in other ways.

Events :: Birthday :: "Exempt from Life"

Happy Birthday. You're still a nobody, but now you can buy beer for teenagers.

Events :: Birthday :: "Demographic Badlands"

Happy 35th Birthday. Welcome to the demographic badlands.