Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Your card, My time"

If you are reading this, you are not working. And I can see your eyes moving on the surveillance camera, so don't pretend you're doing something else.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Menu-mission"

As an experiment, let's see what happens if we don't start talking about lunch options at 9:30.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "But S/he was Always so Quiet and Polite"

Congratulations! Your have been named "Most Likely to be Described in Print as 'Disgruntled.'" Don't forget who your friends are when you start shooting the place up.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Keystroke Cops"

Your google searches for the last month have come to our attention. You have 8 minutes to commit stapler seppuku before a list of them is released to co-workers and family.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Contempt Management"

Congratulations on the impressive ability to hide your disdain for the rest of us most of the time.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Moonlighting with your Ineptitude"

Covering for you has become a part-time job in itself. Please add it to my job description.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Dress Code Sophist"

Your liberal interpretation of "pants" has made a mockery of our casual dress policy.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Step One"

I used to think the bottom drawer whiskey bottle was a quasi-myth, but here we are.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Toilet Management Training"

Our records indicate your bathroom breaks are among the longest in the history of the company. We invite you to attend our exciting new "motion studies in urination" seminar.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Caffeine Intervention"

This is a caffeine intervention. Your family and barista have already been contacted with instructions to cut you off.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Point & Flip"

Your detailed and violently held opinions about various software applications, though too numerous to remember, are noted and respected.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Entry Level Smackdown"

Most kids your age would kill to spend 16 hours a day in a windowless room with document boxes and internet access.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Windows Virtuoso"

There's only one explanation for your nanosecond Alt+Tab skills, but let's just keep it between us, and every other person who's ever walked past your computer.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Which Delusion Was Your Parachute? "

Welcome to the team. Let me be the first to inform you that this job bears no resemblence to the fantasy tv version that inspired you.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Ownership Society"

If my diet coke keeps disappearing from the fridge, we're going to have a witch hunt on our hands.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Talent Testament"

I am in awe that you have gotten this far while being so lazy.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Golden Gloves Typist"

The fact that I can hear your typing from down the hall makes me weep for your joints.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Life Imitating Art, Badly"

Your quotation and acting out of "The Office" at our office has turned it into an uncanny hall of mirrors. Please stop.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Way of the Dryerase"

Your whiteboard dexterity is unsettling but inspiring.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Persistence Pays"

Congratulations on your 1,000,000th game of minesweeper on company time.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Industry Standard Deviation"

Your Joycean email style never fails to stimulate but you may want to throw in some commas and capitals for the guys upstairs.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Solo Variable"

Funny how when you're not around everyone cleans up after themselves.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Zen Smackdown"

Since you've incorporated zen into your work philosophy, is it now ok to bash you over the head with a bamboo pole when you're daydreaming?

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Tech Amnesty"

Even though your taste in operating systems is laughable, you're basically ok.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Definitely Wapner at 4"

No one meant to upset you, but sometimes it's ok for people to sit in a different chair than usual.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Moving on Up"

Congratulations on your new office. You and your visible thong will be missed.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Gravy Train Virtuoso"

I stand in awe of your expense account skills and look forward to learning from you.

Professional :: My dear Co-worker :: "Change of Heart"

Thanks in advance for not reading my self-assessment. After reading your positive evaluation of me, I take back most of the entirely true things I said about you.